If you want to believe badly enough, it will become. That's what he said. So that's what she said. Deluding oneself isn't a delusion at all. He brushed the hair back from her face and smiled. They both said words with equal portions of fear and longing and regret in them. They kissed and stars exploded, but the embers quickly burned out leaving them surrounded by cold dwarves. The shimmering illusion of reality pulsed with new energy and new decay. With each breath he inhaled she saw a pulse in the aura of light that surrounded them both. The universe fell away, time receded, and senses mingled. The taste, the touch, the smell, the sound were all entwined in their perceptions of each other. All the while, their superegos packed up and left town, discussing on the way out what idiot assholes the id and ego had turned out to be. They didn't care, the Ids went at it with all the fire and ferocity they had in them, while the egos exchanged tender thoughts of love and life. Time meant nothing. It lasted forever and yet was over before a second. Afterward her superego returned with a powerful vengeance. It wanted revenge on the id and ego. They parted and she left him with hopeful eyes, all the while the id and superego battled to the death inside her mind. She was frightened of herself and she cried. He was frightened of loneliness and he cried. Their separate tears evaporated into the air they both shared. Each molecule of H20 found the other and formed the rain which fell the next day. The rain on Christmas.


That ismy interpretation of an... affair? I had with someone I genuinely like but am not sure that I love. What is love? The world melted like a dali painting. I miss him. I also miss the man who I have been involved with for the past three years. The man I'm supposed to love. The man I'm sopposed to be loyal to. The man I betrayed.The one I betrayed for a beautiful mind and a pretty face.

Footage I shot in the woods with my sister. I love this song, it's just so strange. The video is kinda crap though. The song is "I Robot" by Coheed and Cambria

so again I find myself here at the blog no one knows or gives a shit that I have. Why do I do this? why do people blog? Diaries are meant for self reference. they're not for the eyes of others. No one wants to be judged for something they posted on their blog, but they are.

Although the general quality of life has gotten better, the situations that life has handed me have gotten worse. My best friend has turned druggie. My boyfriend is chronically morbidly ill. I can't sleep or eat much and I'm spending every minute of the day playing videogames.

oh wait.. that sounds like normal. nevermind. everything's the same as it was.

So I see last time was my first planned abuse of perscription drugs. Ha, oh well. At least I'm not like mike crushing lamictal to snort. Even though Hallucinations have always appealed to me, blue snot doesn't. Jeez. I wonder what fucking.. adderall would do to me. It made me psychotic taing one a day for three days, I wonder...

now's not the time for drug experiments. save that for college.

Speaking of college...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

What do I do? Everyone's all "You should be applying now" "you should be *college jibberjabber*" but I don't know How. Write a letter requesting information. sounds simple enough. but is there a format? If I use the word "yo" will I be automatically rejected? What do I put in the portfolio? Shit! Real life observation drawing! that's the one thing I can't do! Paperwork paperwork. beuracracy bearacracy.

garrrrgh.

well thank you, nobody, for hearing me rant.

I finished The Lucifer Principle. Ohgod I'm so easily impressionable, but I want to DO something. I want to make people pay attention to the fact that we're slipping from "world power" status. We import the most of amny country in the world. Our debts are insane. Selling loans has become the most profitable business in america. We need to develop, build, try. We need to try. We're so goddamn apathetic it's ... pathetic. Kids go to school, graduate and don't do anything with themselves. They have no drive. Fundamentalist groups are crying for the old ways. That we need to stop progress and regress to a better time. 

Damn I'm fucking confused.

Oh well, I suppose I just don't want them to hurt each other like I know somewhere down the line is gonna happen. Can't help feeling uneasy. Maybe it's the chinese food. Damn MSG being so delicious and so diharrea inducing. Either way. I can't really be happy for them. I can be happy they're happy, but I see impending doom in everything. Of course. I might just be stupid. I saw impending doom in my current relationship until I swallowed my pessimism and accepted that things would be good until they get bad, which hasn't happened yet. Thank god.

Fucking school. Fucking Crucible. Fucking prissy history teacher. I want to stay home all day and sleep. dammit.

Even art is less important. I don't NEED to do it. I have to try. that shouldn't happen. I'm so tired that I can't even write at all hours of the night, or doodle on my arm in class, or sketch hundreds of paintings that will never exist.  Doofy. I need inspiration. I need motivation. There's no point sometimes in putting forth the effort to stay above failing. Until I look at the future and panic.